The Charming Narcissist

Stop the Narcissist

It is hard to believe how well a Narcissist or Sociopath can fool people. It happened to me and several others. The woman was amazing. Funny, smart and really pretty. Each one of us thought we had found our best friend. Individually she groomed us. Made us feel special and important. The thing with a really good narcissistic sociopath is that they have an innate ability to hone in on what is important to you. They cannot feel and need someone to feed off. All they do in reality is put a mirror up and become that mirror image. Do you like her? Well hell yea because she has become you. She knows what is important, what makes you tick. She has spent a lifetime reading peoples emotions so she can mimic them. That is because she doesn’t have any of her own.
It is amazing how good they are at getting into your head. As time goes on you become comfortable. After all she is your best friend. You can tell her anything. This can be even more dangerous on social networks where you don’t get physical cues. They are able to create personalities. Before you know it you have told them your whole life story.
This is when it gets tricky you see they now have a loaded gun and you have supplied the bullets. They will manipulate you into doing things that perhaps you would not have thought of doing ordinarily. It is done slowly and expertly. Creeping into your mind. Now that they have you they will use you. They use you for their own entertainment. Gas lighting and changing the rules. Accusing you of doing things that astound you. This is how they get their emotions they feed off yours as you get upset by their accusations. Remember the bullets? Well now they use them. The secrets you told them are their weapons and they have no compunction about plastering them everywhere and twisting them.
Mine accused me of madness because I shared with her my mothers bipolar illness. The lies that came out were amazing. I am not the only one that this happened to. After a while I started talking to her other victims. It was a pattern. We banded together to stop her and we did. She cannot do her tricks as there are too many watching and warning.
The moral of this story is don’t share things that you don’t want to become public or that could be twisted with people you really don’t know. Social media gives these sociopaths masks to hide behind. Don’t be a victim. If a person in real life is too friendly too fast question why. Friendship is a thing that takes time and trust. It isn’t instant. I am lucky I got real friends from this experience. Others aren’t so lucky.

Fly free from emotional abuse

air balloon with heart

beware night mare

Emotional abuse is never ok. It can leave scars much deeper than any fist hitting flesh. The wounds are carried in the mind, heart and soul. People who are sensitive and caring are usually the victims. They are easy to manipulate because they really care about others. It often starts with the perpetrator putting the victim on a pedestal. When someone goes too fast claiming “love at first site” or something else it should give someone pause. It can happen but healthy relationships are built over time. Another red flag is “I love you so much I want you to myself.” If you plan things with other than the perpetrator they will make you feel guilty. Tell you that obviously you dont’ care about them. They should be enough. Slowly they will isolate you from people that care about you. You end up under their control completely. Sometimes they will even physically move you away from family and friends to increase the control. They may tell you to quit your job. They care about you and want to take care of you. This way you can’t get support from colleagues either.
picking brains

Now isolated you can be invalidated. Your thoughts and feelings are denigrated. You may be told you are lazy, mentally unbalanced. Over and over you are told that you are useless, not good enough. Just not up to their level. They are doing you a favor after all they pay the bills now. Since you have left a job they have financial control. If you have had children even more control.

Every emotion, every waking moment you are theirs and will do as you are told. After all you are useless, nobody wants you, too stupid to work, spend too much of their hand earned money. Do not question them they are in control.

Psychologically you are a prisoner.

If someone truly cares about you they respect you. They take joy in your accomplishments and those things that bring you joy. They are happy to take you out in public and are proud of how you look. They don’t belittle you and tell you that you are useless.

If someone does that get out. Get away they are soul suckers. You will become a shadow of who you are. Nobody deserves that. It isn’t easy to leave but it is easier than spending your life being controlled by someone that doesn’t care about you.

regret

Vanity a cautionary tale

vanity tete Morte.jpg

In our youth we depend on our looks to attract a mate. We primp and polish and pose. Some never get beyond that stage. Most of us come to the realization eventually that there is more to life than that. The narcissist never does. When they look in the mirror they don’t see reality they see the youth and beauty that once was there. Living a fantasy of desirability and youth they see themselves above and beyond the mortal beings. The sad thing about it is they actually think they are better than others. Better bodies, smarter more beautiful by far and above everyone else. To this end they become alone. The sociopath is the same but they need the thrill of being adored so even though they feel everyone is not at their level they flatter them until they become an object of adoration. The victim is put up as the most brilliant, gorgeous, kindest best person that ever existed. What the victim doesn’t realize often times until too late is that the sociopath is just reflecting themselves. They are actually in love with their own being. If the victim adores them then they are worthy. That is until they become bored. A bored sociopath/narcissist can be vicious. They want entertainment so they shred, tear and destroy the object that formerly was the object of adoration. Most times they will convince the victim it is their own fault. They didn’t take care of themselves, they weren’t loyal enough, they had other friends, they are no longer desirable. This is the Gaslight phase of the relationship. As most sociopaths seek out the needy and sometimes Desperate and Dateless this can lead to very tragic results.

You see they need to destroy the object of their affection because being a narcissist they cannot possibly be wrong or mistaken in their belief. Therefore the object must be turned into something to make the narcissist the victim of being duped. Complicated? The mind of a narcissist is a rats nest of ego. There is no room for others and their feelings. They create and they destroy. Because they have no empathy others are only dolls to be manipulated and used. The object is nothing but something to be turned into an evil doll that they were mistaken in worshipping.

evil doll

Once that happens the sociopath is ready to be entertained. There is nothing they will not say or do to tear down their object. Accusations of sexual misconduct, illegal acts, abuse and other lies become common and are the weapons of choice.

The lesson in this is that if you end up in a relationship that from the first minutes puts you into an unrealistic pedestal take a good look at your friend or lover is it you they are in love with or themselves?  I leave you with the wise words of George Bernard Shaw.  Love should be love no matter what your looks become. Looks fade character grows.

Lost looks shaw

Mae West had it right

Mae west love herself

No woman should put a man above her men and women should be partners nobody should be “in charge”. Narcissists look for women that don’t value themselves and need a man to make them feel complete. Men who don’t value themselves or have had narcissistic mothers will look for those very traits in a woman and the narcissistic woman will hone in on it. Once caught you are the slave the less than nothing. The source of adoration for their over inflated egos. The cure for this is self love. Everyone should love and respect themselves because if you don’t how can you truly love someone else.

Ru Paoul love yourself.

Ru Paul has it so right. Being a man who portrays a woman and does a magnificent job of it she embodies the traits of both. Full of self confidence and glamour she is her own person. We should all be that way. Man, woman love yourself enough that you don’t take crap from anyone. If you truly like a dominant person yet still love yourself then go for it. Just make sure that it is not at the cost of your self esteem.

Narcissists and sociopaths are brilliant at finding the needy they put you on a pedestal treat you better than anyone else has ever treated you. Makes you feel on top of the world, adored. Well now that you have them you don’t need others. Slowly you become isolated. Then the mask drops and you are trapped. People with good self esteem recognize that they are being cut off from the people and things they enjoy and will cut the relation off even if it is painful. The needy stay. It will get better. They don’t mean it. I know they love me. On and On think about it.

If the person you are with doesn’t treasure you and treat you with respect it is time to hit the road. It is better to be alone with a person (you ) that truly loves you than to be used as a source of entertainment, amusement and support of  their egos.

In closing more words from Mae that said it far better than I could have.

mae west the stork

False Friends get found out

false friends

I just don’t get some people. Why would you be friends with someone then turn around and pull something you know that will destroy that friendship? Lying is one of the cardinal sins in a friendship. If you lie to someone that cares about you then you are just telling them they aren’t worth the truth. If that is the case then don’t be friends. This is particularly hard when someone you valued and are close to does something so egregious that an enemy would be better. It is a shame that you have to be careful around people and what you tell them. Also who you trust. Be cheap with trust. Don’t give it away for free. I have seen my friends heart broken by this. People they thought they could trust with deep secrets go and smear them on social media. What greater betrayal is there?

Some also lie over and over again to the point of putting another person at risk. How shameful. Why lie? What can you possibly be getting out of it? To make yourself better? Your friend loves you however you are. To get out of responsibility. If you are a true friend you should never have gotten in that position in the first place.

To end this, when you are friends with someone be true friends or end the friendship. It is the only honorable thing to to. If your gut tells you that a friend is untrue to you or cannot be trusted go with your instincts. Your soul can feel betrayal.

For my wonderful true friends you have no idea how much I treasure you and your friendship.

Narcissist Achilles Heel

nobody hurt without permission

I just read a very eloquent article by a really brilliant woman. You may know her.
http://luckyottershaven.com/2015/03/07/my-friendship-with-a-famous-narcissist-is-over/

This is her article I did reblog but I wanted to go further than that. What made this wonderful, caring brilliant woman care about an avowed narcissist who openly has great distain for women and people in general? She really cared about him and thought she could help him. This exact nature of hers to care about others is what entrapped her in his web. Back an forth he supported then he withdrew. He found out about her interest in narcissism from Googling his own name for heaven sake!! I made an innocuous comment and of course like the humorless narcissist he is he took offense. Instead of telling me off he went after her and blamed her for my words. If you are so proud of yourself being an uncaring narc what do you care what some elderly lady that is friends with her and has a little blog says? Was it worth attacking a person that genuinely cared about you? Really? How really shallow can a person be.

I feel sorry for him. I genuinely feel sorry for people that are so very self involved they can’t let others in that might care. They might even be a lesson in humanity but since he is a self involved narc which if his movie is to be believed is not really the case (yes I watched it I find him interesting too. kind of like an exotic bug be careful you don’t get bitten!). It is really unclear what he is tests have shown he is not a true narcissist. I assume it is convenient to be one when you are an author and authority on all the narcissists in the entire world. Also when you want to sell books taking advantage of an admirer doesn’t hurt either.

Women who find these sorts attractive are usually carers. They are nurturers. When the relationship starts they are worshipped and adored. The sociopath/narcissist can read people very easily and they mirror whatever their prey wants to see. It is not the woman’s fault. Once the relationship gets going she is the supplier, the stroker of ego, the validation of their God like obsession with themselves. They find themselves isolated as the puppet master is now in charge and wants no one to interfere. If the object refuses to do this and to worship them as they feel they must they are abandoned on a whim (or the remark of a smart ass friend). I have never wanted to hurt anyone with my humor I use it more to show the ridiculousness of a situation. I am also sorry he is so self involved that he hurt a lady that was nothing but kind to him and cared. It is his very great loss.

His Achilles heel is someone who cares and eventually he tears them apart and throws them away as valueless. After all who could care about someone like him? He thinks he is the one of no value. You see you really can’t hide the truth from yourself sooner or later it will surface. Maybe he will face it one day but I doubt it. He is having too good a time being miserable. Even with a damaged brain that does not function normally caring about others can be perceived and imitated. The Narcissist does a good job of that when they are drawing in their prey. Maybe he could use that same talent to join in the world and enjoy some of it. Treating people like puppets in a play must get really old after awhile. We can only hope as he is aging that he gets that clue. As for Otter she learned a lesson and will move on. No doubt helping others that deserve the help.

You can stop bullying

cyber bully quote

Bullying of any kind is wrong but why do people do it? We all say we are against it but how many of you out there have said an unkind word about someone else? Why did you? All of us are guilty of bullying or being unkind sometime in our lives. If you gossip about others what are your children hearing? That it is ok to talk about others? To say things about how they are dressed, live, talk or their physical appearance? Think before you talk. If you see bullying online speak up don’t jump in and add to it. No matter who they are. People jump into situations when they have no clue why someone is doing or saying the things they do. Particularly online. It can be just a personal feud you are jumping into. The person you are defending may be lying. Denigrating and bringing others down is just plain wrong. So if you say you are against bullying make sure you aren’t guilty of the same behavior just under another name.

Children who bully others have seen it at home. Perhaps they are bullied where they should feel safe. Ever told your child things like “you are stupid” “you need to eat more of that?” “too bad you aren’t pretty” “sigh you are really dumb aren’t you”.

We all say things to each other in frustration but we need the 10 second rule. Think about what you say before you say it. Young people today are surrounded by bullying. They see violence everywhere, they have access to text, facetime, Facebook, Instagram as well. Do your kids use these? Do you know who they are talking to and what they are saying?? It is really frightening the number of parents who have no clue what their children are doing online. Are they bullies or victims? Find out before it is too late. Sit your children down and explain why bullying is wrong. You hold the key to your childs future. Bullying can have long term effects they can grow up to be shy and withdrawn or in the case of the bully they can become more aggressive as the high they feel from attacking others gets less and less. There is a lot of information out there. Get involved. See if there is an antibullying forum in your town or city or school.

Civilized people don’t bully. It needs to stop.

cyber bully dog

 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/United-Against-RIP-Trolls-and-Cyberbullies/217265875028974?fref=nf

One of the many antibullying pages on Facebook. Support them.

 

From Psychology Today

A significant number of youths are the victims of bullying, and the topic has been studied for decades. But online or cyberbullying is a newer phenomenon. It is a significant and growing problem, with reports indicating that up to 50 percent of school-aged children experience bullying via technology (Mishna, Cook, Gadall, Daciuk, & Solomon, 2010). For victims of cyberbullying, research has identified a wide variety of negative outcomes, including social, emotional, and academic problems.

Bullying (both traditional and cyber) is aggressive behavior that is repetitive, intentional, and occurs between two individuals with unequal amounts of power (e.g., physical size, age, social status). Bullying can take many different forms, including physical (e.g., hitting), verbal (e.g., name calling), and relational (e.g., excluding someone or spreading rumors). Young people engaged in bullying participate in different roles, including the victim and the bully, and there are a percentage of kids who are involved in the behavior as both a bully and a victim (bully-victims).

Cyberbullies use electronics, such as cell phones and computers. And, unlike traditional face-to-face bullying, the bully can be anonymous. The ability to be anonymous might increase the likelihood that youths will engage in the behavior. Furthermore, a cyberbully does not necessarily see the reaction of the victim, making it easier to engage in mean behaviors.

Cyberbullying potentially can be more upsetting for the victim because the bullying behavior might include a wider audience and be more permanent. For example, a harassing picture can be sent to a large group of people or posted somewhere for people to view for a long period of time. Cybervictims also can have a more difficult time escaping from the bullying. With traditional bullying, the victim might be able to leave the situation, but fleeing isn’t an option in the virtual world, where mean comments or pictures exist online or on technology.

The reasons and factors that influence students to engage in bullying online are multiple and complex.

Some studies have found that youth who bully face-to-face are also likely to engage in online bullying (e.g., Wang, Ianotti, & Luk, 2012). Thus, if a youth is bullying someone in person they might also be bullying others online. However, a significant proportion of individuals who bully online do not bully in face-to-face situations (Twyman, Saylor, Taylor, & Comeaux, 2010).

Other research has found that young people who engage in cyberbullying have lessempathy (defined as sharing another person’s emotional state) than students not involved in cyberbullying (Steffgen, Konig, Pfetsch, & Melzer, 2010). In a large study, 40 percent of students who engaged in online bullying reported not feeling anything after bullying online, while only 16 percent of the cyberbullies reported feeling guilty. Moreover, some students reported online bullying made them feel “funny, popular, and powerful” (Mishna et al., 2010).

Adolescent cyberbullies have been found to engage in other problematic behaviors as well. For example, they have been found to be more likely to engage in substance abuseand have higher levels of participation in school violence (Sourander et al., 2010; Wang, Iannotti, and Luk, 2012).

Peers, teachers, and parents also can influence the likelihood that a youth will engage in bullying online. Young people who believe other students are bullying online are more likely to engage in the behavior themselves. In addition, adolescents who believe the adults in their lives will punish them for bullying online are less likely to engage in the behavior (Hinduja & Patchin, 2013).

Parents play an especially important role. Students who bully online are more likely to report poor parent-child relationships and a lack of parental monitoring of online behavior (Ybarra & Mitchell; 2004).

This blog entry focused on the “why” of cyberbullying, and it is important to answer this question as a step toward developing interventions to stop it from occurring. It is obviously equally important to explore what you can do to help the targets of cyberbullying, but that is a topic for another blog. In the meantime, check out the following link, which provides a tip sheet to help kids learn how to best respond to cyberbullying:http://cyberbullying.us/Top_Ten_Tips_Teens_Response.pdf(link is external)

Dr. Michelle Demaray is a professor of psychology at Northern Illinois University. She is in the School Psychology Program and teaches courses in child development, assessment of emotional and behavior issues in children and adolescents, and professional issues in school psychology. Her research interests include social support, and bullying and victimization in schools.

References

Hinduja, S., & Patchin, J.W. (2013). Social Influences on Cyberbullying Behaviors Among Middle and High School Students. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 42, 711-722.

Mishna, F., Cook, C., Gadalla, T., Daciuk, J., & Solomon, S. (2010). Cyber Bullying Behaviors Among Middle and High School Students. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 80, 362-374. doi: 10.1111/j.1939-0025.2010.01040.x.

Sourander, A., Klomek, A.B., Ikonen, M., Lindroos, J., Luntamo, T, Koskelainen, M., Ristkari, T., & Helenius, H. (2010). Psychosocial Risk Factors Associated With Cyberbullying Amond Adolescents: A Population-Based Study. Archives of GeneralPsychiatry, 67, 720-728. doi:10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2010.79.

Steffgen, G., Konig, A., Pfetsch, J., & Melzer, A. (2011). Are Cyberbullies Less Empathic? Adolescents’ Cyberbullying Behavior and Empathic Responsiveness. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 14, 643-648. doi: 10.1089/cyber.2010.0445.

Twyman, K., Saylor, C., Taylor, L.A., & Comeaux, C. (2010). Comparing Children and Adolescents Engaged in Cyberbullying to Matched Peers. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 13, 195-199. doi:10.1089/cyber.2009.0137.

Wang, J., Ianotti, R.J., & Luk, J.W. (2012). Patterns of adolescent bullying behaviors: Physical, verbal, exclusion, rumor, and cyber. Journal of School Psychology, 50, 521-534. doi: 10.1016/j.jsp.2012.03.004.

Ybarra, M.L., & Mitchell, K.J. (2004). Youth engaging in online harassment: associations with caregiver-child relationships, Internet use, and personal characteristics. Journal of Adolescence, 27, 319-336. doi: 10.1016/j.adolescence.2004.03.007.

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Merry Go Round

IMG_0088

Photo Gale A. Molinari
Paris France carousel

Some people just like to cause trouble. They just go round and round and round until they make others dizzy. They do it for entertainment. If you have no ability or very little to feel empathy, sympathy or other emotions this is the way you do it. They often times do dangerous things and flirt with disaster as well. Their lives because of their mental conditions are only in shades of grey. They don’t see the colors on the carousel they only see fleeting glimpses of happiness. When the carousel is stopped it is a thing of beauty to mesmerize the unwary. Taken on a ride on the beautiful unicorn by the narcissist or sociopath can seem romantic and beautiful. Starting slowly it whirls drawing into it the lonely, sad or naive individual. They never see the trauma coming.

Faster and faster the carousel whirls now you can’t get off or you will get badly hurt. You might even be killed. So you hold on praying that it will slow down and go back to what it once was. Then is slows until you feel comfortable again. This is the time to jump off as it will spin again this time faster than before.

Beware the carousel of the mind for it can spin you into a place that you cannot escape from.